Evolution: running out of things to improve.
Farts are the ghosts of the things we eat.
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a dark place. Then f**k that shit, you’re going first.
Damn you autocorrect! You can go straight to he’ll.
I love sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
I’m a secondhand vegetarian. Cow eat grass, I eat cow.
I’m right 96% of the time. Who cares about the other 5%…
Real men don’t eat honey, they chew on bees…
Bathtub” spelled backwards is still “bathtub”. It’s not, but for a second there you believed me and checked it.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I don’t have birthdays. I level up!
I stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
Q: Know any jokes about sodium?